Current mood:

optimistic

Update on my craaazy/sad life!
So many things have happened in the last month that I'm completely and utterly dumbfounded. I've grown up in a lot of ways and I can't work out if it's bad or not. I've had my relationship end 3 times and re-kindled twice. It's finished now and even though it hurts like hell, I've finally accepted it's for the best. My heart will be crushed more than once in my life - obviously, and I'm far too young to be that involved with and attached to a boy. I've had arrangements with houses, units, even friends fall through so many times I'm now never, ever sure of anything. I've learnt not to depend on people, that's for sure.

One highlight.

I absolutely LOVE my job. The thing I thought I wouldn't enjoy. I work with brilliant people, and two in particular keep me entertained. I'm constantly busy, constantly cheerful, my attitude is positive ALL OF THE TIME. I get so into it that I haven't given it proper thought about what my life is going to be like without Jaryd by my side. Last night, at ally's...I lost it and ended up in tears, and shaking, and trying to figure out why he's been such a headcase. He asked me the day before we broke up to go to Melbourne with him, and we were talking about moving out. I mean, he's ended it twice, he's asked for me back twice. There are only so many times I can be shoved over and walked over before I turn around and shove back and mean it. So I'm probably giving off the impression I don't care, I'm over it. That is far, far from the case at all. I've just learnt a very important lesson, and I've got no one else to help put me back together but myself. I refuse to crumble like I did before. I feel so much stronger than I have before. I've seen him twice since we broke up and both times I've made myself so proud by how I handled things, and still am handling them. In front of him anyway.
There's only one thing I'm upset about really. The fact that, at my house, I have an envelope...full of almost 1,100 tiny colourful notes full of things about him and us. Most romantic thing I've ever done, alot of energy involved. I also got a glow in the dark pen so I could write "i love you, always" on his ceiling. I never, ever got the chance.
I'm going to miss his family so much.


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Next day:
Last night Jaryd and I had a huge text session. I can't explain what it was really about, or the end result. I think we both know we still feel really strongly for each other, but I said we both didn't put in enough effort. Which is true. I kind of feel like a failure. We were so, so incredibly perfect at the start. Everyone wanted what we had. I'm glad we're still close though, we'll still have the occasional sleepover Jaryd told me. (THAT DOES NOT MEAN SEX!) A huge part of me wanted to say 'Jaryd, wipe the slate clean, let's start again.' So we can actually start all over again, go slower, do the things we should have done at the start. But I know if I ask I'm just ripping open the wounds that I'm trying SO hard to close. And it's not fair on him, nor me. Also, if he said no... I probably wouldn't be able to even talk to him again. At least this way I KNOW he still cares about me, and I like not knowing if he'd still be with me, it's makes it that little bit easier to swallow. I feel like typing all the texts up, and asking what to do, but they will probably be the last bit of his open heart I have, and I'm going to hold it close to me, and only me. I don't want to share that little peice with anyone.

Anyway, more positive note - I've found somewhere to live. It's 10mins from work, I've just got to fill in some stupid forms and wait another bloody week :( but hey, it's basically set in stone, so I'm not stressing half as much! Well, just thought I'd update my livejournal. 4.30am wake up calls and getting home at 8.30pm don't really leave me much time (I'm doing this at work, break) ahha.

Keep me posted with YOUR lives (spesh Abbey.)

Till next time, take care :)