allyjwilliams

On Saturday the 24th I went home to the Sunshine Coast. I was having a really good time until dinner. Just as I was about to tuck into my strawberry cheesecake my mother announced that she had been diagnosed with Breast Cancer a few days before.
Everything I had thought of during the day and was worried about seemed as trivial as a paper cut.
As you can probably imagine, I was overwhelmed. I was so upset, stressing out so much, but my mother assured me she was okay and after surgery she'd be fine.

She had the surgery on Wednesday and is in recovery until Sunday. The operation went well, though we're still unsure of how much of her chest was taken.

The point of this journal is to say that they're are much bigger things.

For those of you who used to read my journal I'm sure you've forgotten.

That's okay, you're forgived as I've also forgotten about the journal.



Regardless below are some updates!

25 April: Fell down stairs at a train station. Bruised insides and my back. Vair vair deep cut on my right arm. Went to hospital. Found it funny being in a wheelchair but wanting chocolate!

26 April: Jaryd's 19th. I bought him the things he loves: twirl chocolates, a tattoo book he'd wanted for ages, futurama comics, a little notebook i filled for him, some playing card cufflinks (so cool) and then his promise ring. it was a fun day!

27 April: Jaryd moved in OFFICIALLY! When we were cleaning out his room and I was looking around at all the memories it hit me and I was so excited.

28 April: My 17th. Jaryd bought me a beautiful white gold promise ring. We're getting them both engraved :D he also took me to dinner then we went out and played pool (we both love it) then a games center (SO fun) and we taxi'd it home to watch movies. I love him, hey.

30 April: Found out some rather devastating news about my body. Jaryd supports me though, all that matters.

3 May: My mum came and stayed with me. I was still sick (the thing with my body pretty much had me bed ridden) but we still managed to go out for an hour or so.


That's about it!

moisturise my hands! i have an obsession with it. brush my teeth, put dettol on my arm (horrific cut haha) put this thing on my nose (new peircing) and then MOISTURISE MY HANDS!

If I 'befriended' you and you don't know me. It's simple, block or remove me! Don't make a huge drama about it. Honestly, don't feel that special. People befriend me, I don't mind. It is their choice and I'm not bothered.

So, in short, shut the fuck up about it and quietly get the fuck off my page and friends list.
Good fucking riddance!





Anyway, more positive note, I'm meeting more family members this weekend. So happy. And it's almost Jaryd and my birthdays (26th/28th)
Not sure what to get him. He's been going on about mine for over a month. He's planned something and I haven't! I'm a sucky girlfriend.
Ideas to my hotmail account?
ally.williams@hotmail.com
SHANKS!

This is from a myspace blog I just published yesterday :)


"i feel so different lately, like i’ve been placed in a new skin and told to adapt to the new colours. i never know how to move my body properly, or where to place my hands when i’m standing still. i have so much in my head, all i do is think, and i still don’t have enough time. i have so many things to say, so many people to talk to and it seems the oppurtunity runs and barracades itself when i see a glimpse. i can’t keep on topic of anything and my sentences don’t make sense because of the blurring. i want to write about little things, big things, read all i can about everything and anything until my brain holds every slither of information it can. life is so beautiful and for the first time ever i’m not putting that grey sheet over my head when i walk out the door. i have my breakfast on the balcony and when i’m done i sit there and breath. i breath so much that my lungs have no choice but to push out the dusky air i’ve been hauding in my sleep. i write lists of the things i want to do. there is so much and i want to do it all, now. i want to walk everywhere, with no destination and just stand and take photos or paint. i’m not an artist because i’ve never had the time to try. i want to buy a silver laptop and write a novel. i’m not an author because i’ve never had the time to try. i want to go buy a giant sketch book and start drawing up clothes, shoes, anything i can wear or can imagine someone else wearing. i’m not a designer because i’ve never had the time to try. i think about all the things i can do with my time, all the things i can create from imagining and everything else feels so wasteful. i haven’t had the time to sit down and write like this in weeks and letting all this jumbled mess of pointless thoughts makes me feel so good."





Pretty much explains how I'm feeling!

Ooh, was so fun.

Jaryd stayed Thursday & Friday night, that was good. On Friday we got pizza delivered and watched the Futurama movie. He loooved it. (So much that he got Bender tattooed on his foot the next day!)
Saturday I hungout with Casey and bought more shopping than I should have haha. I bought the cuutest shoes, they were a decent amount of money, but I love them. Saturday night we went to the Amity gig at the princess theature. That was fun, lots. I've missed watching Jaryd go crazy and come close to killing people. He wanted to go out afterwards with his friends, but he didn't want me to go home by myself. So he caught a cab with me all the way to my house and back (literally $30) and came home at about 130am. Something happened during the time he was out, but when he was there, everything felt brilliant.

On Sunday we slept in. We started watching Dude wheres my car and Jaryd fell asleep in the opening credits. I let him sleep till about 1 and then we went and got him lunch. He then took me shopping for linen etc. It felt so good. He had to buy work socks too and we realized our 3month was on Easter. So we've planned a little day together, which I am really excited about.

It was good, shopping out of need - not want. I feel bloody married! But I love it, who wouldn't? He's probably the best person in the world. We bought easter eggs (ironically, we were both looking for the same thing) and I bought some food (milk, bicuits etc) and he got me a cab so I could go home.

I am soo inlove.
This journal should be titled 'the jaryd tales' or something equally as lame.

Ooh, was so fun.

Jaryd stayed Thursday & Friday night, that was good. On Friday we got pizza delivered and watched the Futurama movie. He loooved it. (So much that he got Bender tattooed on his foot the next day!)
Saturday I hungout with Casey and bought more shopping than I should have haha. I bought the cuutest shoes, they were a decent amount of money, but I love them. Saturday night we went to the Amity gig at the princess theature. That was fun, lots. I've missed watching Jaryd go crazy and come close to killing people. He wanted to go out afterwards with his friends, but he didn't want me to go home by myself. So he caught a cab with me all the way to my house and back (literally $30) and came home at about 130am. Something happened during the time he was out, but when he was there, everything felt brilliant.

On Sunday we slept in. We started watching Dude wheres my car and Jaryd fell asleep in the opening credits. I let him sleep till about 1 and then we went and got him lunch. He then took me shopping for linen etc. It felt so good. He had to buy work socks too and we realized our 3month was on Easter. So we've planned a little day together, which I am really excited about.

It was good, shopping out of need - not want. I feel bloody married! But I love it, who wouldn't? He's probably the best person in the world. We bought easter eggs (ironically, we were both looking for the same thing) and I bought some food (milk, bicuits etc) and he got me a cab so I could go home.

I am soo inlove.
This journal should be titled 'the jaryd tales' or something equally as lame.

To make this a long and descriptive post (for once)
I'll do it in dot-points then elaborate on them!

-> Roommate is cool, but never home! I can almost say I live by myself.
-> Jaryd's first night at mine is tonight!
-> I am officially obsessed with Cashmere Mafia.
-> Cleaning is my new best friend.
-> Workmates Jas, Cheryl, Teish and Paul pretty much make my day.


Okay! First point. Clare is awesome, no joke. She's so chilled out about everything, I envy her to a point. But whenever I get home, it's when she's about to go out for dinner, drinks, or see friends. And when she get's home, I'm sleeping. And in the morning, she'll wake up as I'm off to work. So I don't see her much.
Jaryd is spending the night, yay. Only because my furniture is FINALLY getting delivered. He's going to walk into my room and see it completely empty! (Temp bed gone, everything in cupboards etc to make room) It's going to be fun-nnyyy. But I'm excited. I've made everything so neat and tidy, did all my washing, bought him a toothbrush (only fair) haha. Oh and I even bought him stupid mi-goreng noodles if he wants them. I am an amazing girlfriend :):)
Cleaning is seriously brilliant. I love vaccuming and wiping and washing the dishes. It's my little apartment, I need everything to be clean and sparkly. There's some immaturity amongst that responsiblity but. It verges on OCD!
I was watching Cashmere Mafia last night. It has been a very long time since I got THAT into a show. When Mia kissed the new neurosurgeon boy whatever, I was giggling with delight. I am a New fan!

Uhm, what else. I'm becoming a really good cook. No joke. I'm slightly in love with it. I regret not doing it prior to living alone. Clare doesn't eat much, so cooking for myself is alot easier. Last night I made vegetables, sausages, soybacon and potatoes. Yum!

What is everyone else up to?!

I mean, I know Kaylee does. And Abbey (haha) but, total strangers? Maybe even my family does! Eeeep, I don't want to think of that.

Just, if you read this and we've never spoken, talk!
Thanks.


Uhm, updates.
I moved in and the room was really dirty. I'm having alot of problems with the girl whos leaving not my roommate. She's a complete sweetie. So last night I didn't go home cause I was a bit worried (the girl who's moved out is next door and I was not comfortable with her having a key. Paranoid about her slipping in and killing me haha) So I stayed at Jaryd's (how unusual)
We watched TV and hungout. It was fun :)
I love his sisters. Deadset, they are such sweethearts.

Anyway, my neighbour has internet and I'm going to ask him if I can pay him something per month to use it. Cause that'd make life good!

I've got to go, lots of work to do. I have been eating so much lately. The weight will kick in soon.

After hours of travelling, ordering a bed, buying food etc, I'm here.

I loooove it. My roommate is so cute. My room is good, everything is BRILLIANT.
Anyway, I'll update more very soon.

Really never ceases to amaze me. We spent the night together, it was good. We talked about things that bothered us. Not everything, but almost :)
At one stage I was almost in tears just saying that there was a stage with us when we were absolutely perfect. And he just grabbed me and pulled me into him when we were laying down. I felt like things were actually going to be good from now on between us :)


Anyway,
I'm tired (hehe) so I'll write more soon!

The first time you ever buy a Girlfriend or Dolly magazine, you read stories:

"I lost my virginity while drunk to the wrong boy!"
"I got caught up in the wrong crowd!"
"My heart has been broken, I feel crushed!"
"I flunked school!"
"My uncle passed away."
"I'm moving away from my entire life!"
"My best friend back stabbed me!"
"I thought I was pregnant!"
"I made the biggest mistake, and now I have the worst reputation!"

You sit there in disbelief reading about people years older then you doing the most stupid things and think 'I will never do that!' and even though you are SO sure of it, that you will wait for the right boy, never have a broken heart, never drink or try drugs, will never lose anyone, and your best friend will never hurt you, everything like that happens!

I was going to wait for the right boy on my 16th birthday. Instead I lost it to a boy I barely liked a week before. I was never going to drink. A few months into moving to a public school I was drinking myself to a point I'd be throwing up. I thought I'd found "the love of my life" at 15 and when it ended I was devastated and thought I'd never move on, yet I did. I've lost a bestfriend of 3 years and thought I'd never forget her. Ha! I've had a pregancy scare, I've lost people and watched a best friend lost his mother. I've had a horrible reputation, I've done some fucking STUPID things, and yet even though I told myself I'd never do them, I'VE DONE THEM ALL!

I never wanted to fit the typical stereotype, but you have to realise, people didn't just come up with the stereotypes. They were created by people living their lives similar to others. Not on purpose or by choice, it just happens. The blonde with the fake nails in her dads black convertable with a fake tan. The boy with the diamonds in his ears, basketball shorts on, beer in hand. The girl with black extentions, hello kitty tshirt, stretchers with a camera on timer. The boy with glasses, quirky little fringes and vans. The boy with camo shorts, band shirts, huge earlobes in a mosh pit. Some may like the 'scene' the 'lifestyle' but others just GROW INTO IT. It's how stereotypes are created!




Ah.
I will finish this another day when I can properly explain!

So many things have happened in the last month that I'm completely and utterly dumbfounded. I've grown up in a lot of ways and I can't work out if it's bad or not. I've had my relationship end 3 times and re-kindled twice. It's finished now and even though it hurts like hell, I've finally accepted it's for the best. My heart will be crushed more than once in my life - obviously, and I'm far too young to be that involved with and attached to a boy. I've had arrangements with houses, units, even friends fall through so many times I'm now never, ever sure of anything. I've learnt not to depend on people, that's for sure.

One highlight.

I absolutely LOVE my job. The thing I thought I wouldn't enjoy. I work with brilliant people, and two in particular keep me entertained. I'm constantly busy, constantly cheerful, my attitude is positive ALL OF THE TIME. I get so into it that I haven't given it proper thought about what my life is going to be like without Jaryd by my side. Last night, at ally's...I lost it and ended up in tears, and shaking, and trying to figure out why he's been such a headcase. He asked me the day before we broke up to go to Melbourne with him, and we were talking about moving out. I mean, he's ended it twice, he's asked for me back twice. There are only so many times I can be shoved over and walked over before I turn around and shove back and mean it. So I'm probably giving off the impression I don't care, I'm over it. That is far, far from the case at all. I've just learnt a very important lesson, and I've got no one else to help put me back together but myself. I refuse to crumble like I did before. I feel so much stronger than I have before. I've seen him twice since we broke up and both times I've made myself so proud by how I handled things, and still am handling them. In front of him anyway.
There's only one thing I'm upset about really. The fact that, at my house, I have an envelope...full of almost 1,100 tiny colourful notes full of things about him and us. Most romantic thing I've ever done, alot of energy involved. I also got a glow in the dark pen so I could write "i love you, always" on his ceiling. I never, ever got the chance.
I'm going to miss his family so much.


---------


Next day:
Last night Jaryd and I had a huge text session. I can't explain what it was really about, or the end result. I think we both know we still feel really strongly for each other, but I said we both didn't put in enough effort. Which is true. I kind of feel like a failure. We were so, so incredibly perfect at the start. Everyone wanted what we had. I'm glad we're still close though, we'll still have the occasional sleepover Jaryd told me. (THAT DOES NOT MEAN SEX!) A huge part of me wanted to say 'Jaryd, wipe the slate clean, let's start again.' So we can actually start all over again, go slower, do the things we should have done at the start. But I know if I ask I'm just ripping open the wounds that I'm trying SO hard to close. And it's not fair on him, nor me. Also, if he said no... I probably wouldn't be able to even talk to him again. At least this way I KNOW he still cares about me, and I like not knowing if he'd still be with me, it's makes it that little bit easier to swallow. I feel like typing all the texts up, and asking what to do, but they will probably be the last bit of his open heart I have, and I'm going to hold it close to me, and only me. I don't want to share that little peice with anyone.

Anyway, more positive note - I've found somewhere to live. It's 10mins from work, I've just got to fill in some stupid forms and wait another bloody week :( but hey, it's basically set in stone, so I'm not stressing half as much! Well, just thought I'd update my livejournal. 4.30am wake up calls and getting home at 8.30pm don't really leave me much time (I'm doing this at work, break) ahha.

Keep me posted with YOUR lives (spesh Abbey.)

Till next time, take care :)

Fall through.
So much.

allywilliams@hiptop.com.au
ally.williams@hotmail.com
www.allywilliams.buzznet.com
www.myspace.com/wordsfailmusicspeaks

I'm never satisfied because I'm always looking for more. I mean, perhaps that's why I'm so insistant on moving. Don't get me wrong, I DO love brisbane, living there would be SO much better then here. Kenda and I were driving home (from the city to the coast) and when we got to Noosa she said "back to nothing" or something like that. We both agreed it'd take quite some time for us to get remotely bored there.
There is literally nothing to do unless your a beach fanatic and don't mind going more than once every week. Well, I'm not one of them. I like noise, rushing, large groups of complete strangers, ha!
I like the fact that in Brisbane there are that many people it is IMPOSSIBLE for everyone to know everything about everyone, which is what is verging on being a fact in this small little "town."

Anyway, I'll be staying with Kenda either permanently or for a week or so, because I've started finding heaps more rooms. Apparently, I've been looking in all the wrong places. How typical. And supposively it takes around 2 weeks to find a place, and I have only been reeeaallly trying for one or so.
I'm just taking things as they come now. Hopefully I can rest a little bit over the next day or so before I'm flung back into the chaos which is my current life.

Haha, I talk complete shit and am constantly changing my mind...how can you read this? I'm so annoying and boring! Ah!

Im at the bunker with Nathan, Paris & Lee.
It's pretty sad that we're all talking via msn haha...


Uhm, I've been trying to find somewhere lately and in all honesty, I'm starting to get over all this. I miss the simplicity of what my life used to be like. Like when I was in school, if i was having a bad day i just wouldnt go to school, or I'd just not pay attention.

Now it's like my life is blurring from the all the rushing. The days are going by so fast and whenever it slows down it's when I'm laying in bed stressing about things and all I want is that rush back so it's morning.
I was up till midnight last night with my parents saying they didnt want me to move anymore cause they were scared for me. I told them it was too late...but when I went to sleep I wish I hadn't commited to the things I have.

I don't know, I just want something set in stone again.

I saw Jaryd.
We were texting a bit, organizing to meet (he'd had his haircut, so i NEEDED to see it haha) and he said "11.11 doesn't feel the same." I thought to myself "please, want me back."
When I saw him we hugged and hungout (Sam was there) and then when we went to have breakfast (both of them had had a HEAVY night) I told him if he wanted to talk we needed to now before the other Ally met up with us. So we went outside and he said "I miss you." and I could tell there was something else he wanted to say. Then he said "I want you back"

:)

I was happy, but also really hesitant. I mean, it almost KILLED me. But I trust him, I have faith in us. Besides, Louisa said some gorgeous things to me that filled me up with hope.

Anyway, so I'm with Jaryd, I've accepted this job, I'm at home (I missed my family!) and tomorrow...oh my god...tomorrow, I AM MEETING MY DADS SISTER. I've never met ANY family except my immediate and my grandmother. They haven't seen my family since my mother was pregnant with me! I am so NERVOUS! Ah. But, I'm sure it will be an amazing day.


Well, I've got alot of washing to do, and I've decided I'm going to do an online blog about everything I've been through. Something like: "Surviving the city life - by the 16yr old girl who did it alone" hahaa. Honestly, I've been through alot. My parents have both commented saying 'you're alot more mature' or saying I'm more 'grounded' and that they are so proud of what I've already achieved. I want to do the blog because I think I've got alot of advice to give. If I'd seen a blog or something warning me about half of what I've experienced, I'd be so blessed. So why not offer that to others?

I like this feeling.